Help Me Lord, My Perfectionism Is KILLING Me!

God used my daughter Angela to help me understand his grace.  I was born a perfectionist, like my perfectionist MOTHER before me.    Perfectionist are usually full of anger and condemnation that when they SUPPRESS those things they end up in DEPRESSION.  They are angry and condemned because they try so hard to get everyone and everything perfect in this messed up imperfect world and they FAIL to do so EVERYDAY.  I lived under a load of anger and condemnation every day because I tried so hard to be perfect but couldn’t do it.   I gave birth to my first daughter and she was blind, mentally handicapped, and extremely autistic and her eyes rolled around.  The doctors said there was nothing they could do for her, just to take her home and do the best that I could with her.  When she was one year old and the doctors said she would never see, never walk, never be potty trained, maybe never sit up on her own…it was devastating.   And to make matters worse the autism made her so she did not want verbal interaction or touch interaction at all.  She cried if I said her name and touched her little hand.  It was difficult to say the least. 

 Being a perfectionist I was always down on myself.  Was I failing everyday?  Not in the mind of the people who knew me, but, in my  own mind I felt like every little thing I got wrong was TERRIBLE!      I was upset because of all of my imperfections.  How could God love me when I was so imperfect?   I was in tears.  The Lord spoke to me and said, “Patty is your daugther Angela perfect?”  Instantly I said, “Oh Yes!  She is absolutely perfect.”  The Lord said, “Really, IS SHE?”  Well, I stopped and looked at her and I said, “Well, no, I didn’t mean there was nothing wrong with her, what I meant was I love her, because she is mine.” Then my eyes were opened.  In spite of of the handicaps and problems that my daughter had, I said she was perfect, and to me she was perfect, I loved her just like she was!   Suddenly I realized that in spite of all my faults and imperfections God loved me, because I belonged to him.  I was giving my daughter grace when I said she was perfect and I did so without even thinking about it.  And now I understand the grace that God has for me.  

 I had a well-meaning person tell after I gave birth to her that they wouldn’t want to have a baby like that.  They meant well, but me being 20 years old holding this three month old very handicapped baby did not need to hear those words.  I went home and thought about it and made PEACE with it.  I decided that I wanted a baby like that because she was MINE, and that made her perfect to me.  I held her crying for quite a few hours and I told her over and over again,   “Don’t worry Angela, your momma wants you.  I want you, and I love you just like you are.”  I told her over and over again that I most definitely wanted HER.  She was only 3 months old, she had NO idea what I was saying, but I needed to say it and to hear myself say it.  It gave me peace and the resolve to raise her.  It was releasing GRACE into her little life.  Can you release grace to the people and things around you?  People ask me often how I can handle Angela.  I do so because of GRACE.  Grace will release your frustrations and help you overcome your anger. 

Most perfectionist realize that their perfectionist tendencies causes them more stress than blessings.  This can cause frustration,anger, depression and hours of condemnation and sleepless nights.

When we take our circumstance and add grace to it we find ourselves LESS frustrated.   How do we add grace to our circumstances?  When we look at our circumstances and realize they are not perfect and we find something in it that helps us accept and find comfort in our situation, we are making our peace through grace.

 There is a tool called GRACE.  GRACE is when you look at something or someone that is not perfect and you go ahead and overlook the imperfections and call it PERFECT anyway. God gives grace, and we need to give grace too.